Hold the time, Extra coffee, Heavy on the hug

 Brayden walks into our room in middle of night most nights to hug me before he falls asleep beside me again. This morning as I woke up at 3am to little baby arms pulling me close as he settled in under the blanket, I wondered how many more times I have left of this? One day he will do it for the last time and I won't realize its the last.

The 4 big kids no longer need middle of night hugs, bedtime stories, or even songs. Their goodnights are "night mama, you too" too busy for the "good" or" love" words to be added lol. But once upon a time, Jackson twirled my hair as he fell asleep. Another lifetime ago, Nora could never be put down without making a scream that could wake the dead. I got really good at doing things one handed with her on my hip. It feels like yesterday I was stopping to nurse Susie every hour, on the hour. Because for her, comfort nursing was as important as nutrition. I look at Cade who is turning visibly into a man, and yet I can see so clearly the 8 yr old boy who slipped into his dad's lap every time he sat down.

Brayden makes me tired. But I know the timer has been set for how long I will be his whole world, and its speeding by fast.

Motherhood doesn’t change all at once. It alters quietly. It feels like forever until suddenly it isn't. One day you wake up with hair that no longer gets twirled. In arms that don’t reach for you in the dark. In a house that gets quieter at night even while it gets louder during the day.

These moments don’t feel big while they’re happening. They feel like interruptions. Like fatigue. Like another night you’ll pay for in the morning. But they are the truths children carry forward. They become how safe they feel, how deeply they love, how easily they rest.

So yes, Brayden makes me tired. And today I’ll drink the extra coffee and move a little slower. But tonight, I’ll hold the hug longer. Because this is the work. And I get to watch them grow.

Thank you Jesus, I get to watch them grow.